As a parent, you may already be aware of the dangers surrounding underage substance use, the importance of setting boundaries, and the need to limit access to alcohol and drugs. You’re familiar with the Social Host Ordinance in your city, you’ve taken steps to lock up substances at home, set clear expectations for your children, and model healthy behavior. But what happens when your teen is spending time at other people's homes? How do you have conversations with other parents about these sensitive issues without seeming intrusive or overbearing?
Here are some practical strategies for approaching other parents to create a unified front in preventing substance use among your kids and their friends.
Start With Shared Concerns
It can feel uncomfortable to discuss substance use with other families, especially when you don’t know them well, but you’re likely not alone in your concerns. Many parents share the same worries but may be unsure how to bring them up. When you approach another parent, frame the conversation around your shared goal: keeping all of your kids safe. You might say something like:
"I’ve been reading up on how teens access alcohol and drugs, and I’m really trying to be careful about it at home. I’d love to hear your thoughts on how we can work together to make sure our kids are safe when they hang out."
This sets the tone for a collaborative conversation rather than an accusation or assumption.
Bring Up Social Host Ordinance
Sometimes, parents may feel that allowing supervised drinking is a way to keep things under control (which we now know to be a misguided effort) but many don’t realize the legal risks or the potential harm it could cause. Discussing Social Host Ordinance is a powerful way to start the conversation. Explain how the law holds adults accountable if underage drinking or drug use occurs on their property, regardless of whether they supplied the substances, or are even home.
A good way to frame it is to discuss the law in neutral terms:
“I’ve been learning more about the Social Host Ordinance in Marin and how it affects parents. Sounds like the repercussions are pretty serious if kids drink at our houses, even if we’re not the ones giving it to them. Have you heard of that?”
This gives you an opportunity to raise the topic of limiting access without directly criticizing their parenting approach.
Highlight the Risks of Supervised Drinking
Some parents genuinely believe that allowing their kids to drink in a supervised environment teaches moderation, but research has shown the opposite. Supervised drinking often leads to higher rates of binge drinking and riskier behaviors, including drunk driving.
Rather than coming across as judgmental, focus on the evidence and approach it as a concern:
"I used to think letting teens drink at home was safer, too, but I’ve read that it actually increases the chance they’ll binge drink or get into dangerous situations when we’re not around. I’ve decided it’s just not worth the risk for my family. What’s your feeling about all of that?"
By sharing your own thought process and framing it as a learning experience, you invite the other parent to reflect on their approach without feeling criticized.
Emphasize Community Responsibility
Raising kids is a community effort, and when teens gather, the responsibility falls on everyone involved to make sure they are safe. You can express this as a mutual goal, something all parents want for their children:
"I know it can be tough to keep track of what the kids are doing, especially when they’re at each other’s houses. I just want to make sure that we’re all on the same page about making sure alcohol and drugs aren’t available when they hang out."
By focusing on shared goals—keeping everyone’s children safe—you build a sense of solidarity rather than making it about their household versus yours.
Suggest Clear Guidelines for Gatherings
When teens hang out, especially in groups, it’s easy for things to get out of hand. Offering to work together to set some common-sense guidelines for gatherings can help ensure everyone is on the same page:
“When the kids have friends over, I usually just let them know that we don’t allow alcohol or drugs, and I try to keep an eye on things. It’s worked well so far. How do you usually handle that when they’re at your place? I’d love to be on the same page!”
This opens the door to agreement on simple, effective boundaries without creating tension.
Be Honest and Non-Judgmental
If a parent does allow drinking or drug use in their home, it’s essential to remain calm and non-judgmental. Express your boundaries without making them feel attacked:
"I totally get that every family has their own rules, but for us, we’re really focused on keeping alcohol and drugs out of the picture. I want to make sure my child understands that this isn’t acceptable at home or when they’re with friends."
This reinforces your values without making the other parent defensive. You’re simply stating your expectations for your child.
Be Prepared for Pushback
Some parents may push back or downplay the risks. If this happens, you can emphasize that every family has the right to make their own decisions, but you want to ensure your child’s safety. For example:
"I respect that you have your own way of doing things, but for us, this is a non-negotiable rule. I hope we can find a way to make sure our kids stay safe together."
We’ve recently developed a page of Parent-to-Parent Scripts (link) that include straightforward responses to some common push backs from other parents.
Offer Resources
If the conversation is going well, you can offer resources like local information on the social host ordinance, articles about the dangers of supervised drinking, or even local organizations, like Marin Healthy Youth Partnerships, that focus on substance use prevention.
“I came across some great resources that explain how supervised drinking can backfire. I’m happy to send them over if you’re interested.”
Our Research page also includes links to all of the latest research on the dangers of “supervised” drinking and the importance of limiting access and setting clear boundaries. Feel free to peruse it for yourself of share with other families.
Talking to other parents about preventing underage substance use might feel a bit challenging, but it's such an important way to help keep all of our kids safe. When we approach these conversations with empathy, openness, and a shared goal of protecting our teens, we can build a supportive network of parents who are on the same page about limiting access to alcohol and drugs. And it’s not just about looking out for your own child—it’s about coming together to create a community where all our kids can be safe.
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